I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
