i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
