I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
