Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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