i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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