I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
