Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
