I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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