well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
