did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
