My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
