she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
