DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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