I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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