I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
