You work out of a Hotel?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
