i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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