god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
