five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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