I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
