I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
