I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
