i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
