So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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