Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
