Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
