my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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