I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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