Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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