I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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