First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
