Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
