Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
