I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
