last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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