They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
