I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
