I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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