I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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