neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
