Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
