ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
