I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
