For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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