Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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