at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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