I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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