Jerry, you need to find god
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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