Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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