can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
