I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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