i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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